Heart Surgeon's funeral
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, , the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,
"Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynecologist!"
The Joke Thread
Moderators: IMC, Club Staff
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kazbah
- National Secretary
- Posts: 2475
- jedwabna poszewka promocja
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 5:00 pm
- Location: Stiff Clutch...
- Contact:
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SchumieFan
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 5875
- Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2004 5:00 pm
- Location: GPS signal lost
- Contact:
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AJ
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 2991
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
Old but GOLD.
How To Shower Like a Woman**
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket
according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Dry off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
**How To Shower Like a Man*
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the
'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of
bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
How To Shower Like a Woman**
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket
according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Dry off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
**How To Shower Like a Man*
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the
'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of
bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
-
AJ
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 2991
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
International Rules of Manhood
* Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the
footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period
only it is permissible.
* It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
-When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
-The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
-After wrecking your boss' car.
-One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
-When she is using her teeth.
* Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his mates.
* Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.
* If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
* Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
* On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
* When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
* You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
* It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
* Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.
* Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
* Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
* If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
* Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or
LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
* A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
* Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
* If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
* Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
* Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
-Yeah, Baby, Push it!
-C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
-Another set and we can hit the showers!
* Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e.Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
* Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang
up if necessary.
* The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
* It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
* Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
* The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
story.
* There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
* Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the
footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period
only it is permissible.
* It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
-When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
-The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
-After wrecking your boss' car.
-One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
-When she is using her teeth.
* Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his mates.
* Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.
* If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
* Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
* On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
* When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
* You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
* It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
* Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.
* Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
* Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
* If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
* Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or
LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
* A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
* Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both that's just greedy.
* If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
* Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
* Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
-Yeah, Baby, Push it!
-C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
-Another set and we can hit the showers!
* Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e.Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
* Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang
up if necessary.
* The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
* It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
* Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
* The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
story.
* There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
-
AJ
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 2991
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
Friendship between Women
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
-
AJ
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 2991
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
-
AJ
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 2991
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.
At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:
"Melbourne".
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:
"Melbourne".
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
-
AJ
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 2991
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
Interesting Things to Ponder
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Interesting Questions
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I will squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Interesting Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
15) You never ever run out of salt.
16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and Stepping On an upturned plug.
20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.' 9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Interesting Questions
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I will squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Interesting Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. 9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
15) You never ever run out of salt.
16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and Stepping On an upturned plug.
20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
-
SchumieFan
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 5875
- Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2004 5:00 pm
- Location: GPS signal lost
- Contact:
Happened todayAJ wrote:
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
happened 2 days ago
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
Also 2 days ago, and again yesterday3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
thats gotta be true!5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
About 5 mins ago13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
... and i won!
od but so true15) You never ever run out of salt.
TRUE!!! bastards!!!20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
sh*t that was a week ago!
21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with
keep em commin lads
-
AJ
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 2991
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
Fred, the patient requested, "Don't Laugh Doc"
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest appendage the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the
size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,
then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle
to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry "said the doctor. "I really am..... I don't know what came
over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest appendage the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the
size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,
then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle
to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry "said the doctor. "I really am..... I don't know what came
over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
-
akuma3
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 1217
- Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2004 6:00 pm
AJ wrote:Fred, the patient requested, "Don't Laugh Doc"
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest appendage the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the
size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,
then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle
to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry "said the doctor. "I really am..... I don't know what came
over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
would you suicide if that happens to you? lol
i still like this one the best
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problem.
[img]http://www.speedtest.net/result/79682123.png[/img]
[img]http://www.speedtest.net/result/79682123.png[/img]
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SchumieFan
- Oldtimer
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Thats a funny joke akuma, im sure ive heard it somewhereakuma3 wrote:AJ wrote:Fred, the patient requested, "Don't Laugh Doc"
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest appendage the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the
size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,
then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle
to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry "said the doctor. "I really am..... I don't know what came
over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
would you suicide if that happens to you? lol
i still like this one the best
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
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SchumieFan
- Oldtimer
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- Contact:
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20 Responses to Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned this the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated," but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Be nice to your nurse! my mummy's a nurse!
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20 Responses to Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned this the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated," but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Be nice to your nurse! my mummy's a nurse!
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Bennoz
- National President
- Posts: 23676
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- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
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SchumieFan
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 5875
- Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2004 5:00 pm
- Location: GPS signal lost
- Contact:
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Bennoz
- National President
- Posts: 23676
- Joined: Fri Jan 21, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
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SchumieFan
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 5875
- Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2004 5:00 pm
- Location: GPS signal lost
- Contact:
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AJ
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 2991
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.