The Joke Thread

[Storm]

IRISH PUBS ARE THE BEST

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The
landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub,
the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough
drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the
house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman
swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen
to me sister quite a few times."

[topgun]

I caught grandma sucking grandpa's cock the other day. Thought it was disgusting as she should have buried it with the rest of him!

[topgun]

I paid $3000 for my wife to have a boob job ....she was happy
I paid $4000 for her to have a nose job....she was delighted.
I treat myself to a $30 blow job and she goes f**king mental!!!

[topgun]

My fuckin neighbour knocked my door a 2am this this morning.
Can you believe that????
Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums!

[topgun]

Policeman pulls over Paddy in his car for speeding. "Have you been drinking sir?" says the policeman.
Paddy replies "yes officer, I have had 18 pints, 2 bottles of hooch and 6 bacardi and cokes"
Policeman replies "what the hell are you doing driving?"
Paddy replies "I couldnt fuckin walk!!"

[EscapingFate]

A man says to his wife, If i won the lottery what would you do?
Wife: I would take you for half of what you won and leave you
Man: *hands the woman $6* and says here you go get the f**k out of my house.

[Bennoz]

[Storm]

I was at a party last night and I was too pissed to drive home.




So I drove to another party.....

[topgun]

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the ar*e.

I asked him how you tell them apart? He said "Easy, Sallys got massive tits and Derek has a moustache!

[Bennoz]

The police have just arrested me for knocking out of the g/f again.
One of them said to me, "This is the third time this month, why do you keep beating her".
I replied, "probably due to my height and weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork".

[dawn16]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

[Storm]

Man standing on toilet often seen to be high on pot

[AJ]

A mate of mine recently admitted to an addiction to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

You could tell that it was Shrove Tuesday the other day.Everyone had got a crepe joke to share!!

Big match on tonight for pancake day. Hope it's a flipping good match!

groan. Must do batter. (better)

I met that actor from the film "Forrest Gump" earlier and asked him for his autograph. The boring bastard just wrote Thanks.

I recently lost my mood ring............I still don't know how I feel about it!

Just saw an NRMA van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked miserable. I thought ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown'

I used to have a job crushing fizzy drink cans. I hated it! .......Was soda pressing!

The barman says We don't serve time travellers in here........... A Time traveller walks into a bar.

I got on a plane and and asked the man next to me his name. He said "AJ." Well, I was beside myself!!

Just to let you all know I'm in hospital - don't panic - I poisoned myself I ate what I thought was an onion but it was a daffodil bulb.......I'll be out in spring!

[Storm]

My next door neighbours son was wearing a red cape earlier, "Good lad," I said, "wanting to grow up to be a superhero, eh? Fighting crime and doing good deeds like Batman or Superman."

"No," he replied, "I'm off to Grandma's house." And off he skipped.

*~delightful!~* twat

[SchumieFan]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

============================================

During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

=============================================

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

=============================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

=============================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet..
I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"

=============================================

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard..

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.


Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!!"

[MichaelT]

Your mum is so fat when she steps in front of the TV you missed two episodes;
your mum is so ugly when she withdraws money from the ATM, the security camera turns off;
your mum is so old Adam & Eve were in her yearbook;
your mum is so fat when she auditioned for The Biggest Loser they said "sorry, no professionals";
your mum is so fat she was the sole reason why Pluto is no longer consider a planet;
your mum is so fat that when she farts it's considered as natural disaster;
your mum is so old that when asked to act her age she turns to dusts;
and.....
your mum is so dumb she thinks sexual battery is something you put in a dildo....lol

[Storm]

Terrorism alerts

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Up set" to "Let's get them" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".. The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

And in the southern hemisphere...New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is " I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[dawn16]

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord…

“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”
“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord
“It’s not” said the man…
“the little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms!!!”

[Supplanter]

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

[Storm]

A man walks into a New Zealand pub and orders a white wine spritzer.

The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.

The barman asks him ""Where are you from? You sound English."

"Yup" says the guy, "I'm from England"

"What do you do?" asks the Barman

"I'm a taxidermist."

"What an earth is one of those?"

"I mount animals"

"It’s alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us."