The Joke Thread

[I8A4RE]

If women aren't meant to bake, then why do they have milk and eggs inside of them?

[Brodz]

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY, BECOMING A REAL MAN. That’s right, in just six quarters, you too can be a real man.

The program outline:

FIRST YEAR Fall Schedule

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity

MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework

MEN 103 PMS- Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response To Getting In At 4AM

MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn’t End With Conception

MEN 113 Get A Life, Learn To Cook

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You’re Wrong

MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex

MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR Fall Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It

SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take A Shower

MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

MEN 212 You Too, Can Be A Designated Driver

MEN 213 Honest - You Don’t Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting @#%~&*! From Your Vocabulary

MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary

MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions

MEN 223 Thirty Minutes Of Begging Is Not Considered Foreplay

[Storm]

A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.

"What's the matter?" he asks.


"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the
pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."


"What's the picture of?" he asks.


"It's of a big rooster," she replies.


"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."


When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to
the kitchen table where she has it laid out.


He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for
Pete's sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"

[Kuran]

Walking the dog in Darwin

OMG! thats terrible!

yeah terribly funny.

I haven't seen a picture that good for a loonnnggg time

[topgun]

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time"

She said "You've got the biggest cock out of all your mates!"

[AJ]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

[topgun]

Cant beat the Irish ones!

Paddy was at the bus stop when Mick pulls up in his car. "Want a lift Paddy?" Paddy says "Better not Mick or i'll miss my bus".....

[Storm]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob"

[Storm]

Carl and Kirst get married this weekend which reminded me of the bride-to-be who was preparing for the wedding service.

She asked the vicar "so what happens?"

"Well" said the vicar "first of all, you walk up the aisle".

"Aisle. OK. Then what?"

"Then, you stop at the altar".

"Altar. OK. Then what?"

"Then we all sing a hymn."

"Hymn. OK".

So on the day of her wedding, the bride walks up the church muttering

"Aisle. Altar. Hymn.

Aisle. Altar. Hymn.

Aisle. Altar. Hymn."

[Kustom]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob"

Thats golden.

[Storm]

A man goes to a university to talk to a hundred people.

"How many of you believe in ghosts?"

99 people put their hands up.

"How many of you have heard a ghost?"

50 people put their hands up.

"How many of you have had contact with a ghost?"

20 people put their hands up.

"And who here has had a relationship with a ghost?"

A man sitting right at the back of the hall puts his hand up.

"That's amazing" says the lecturer "Come down here and tell us about it"

The man comes to the front of the room

"Now" says the lecturer "What's it like having a relationship with a ghost?"

"I'm sorry" says the man "I thought you said 'who has had a relationship with a goat?'"

[Storm]

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing...

The pilot speaks over the intercom.

"I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."

Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.

Again the pilot gets on the intercom; "I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter – A”.

"Africans, any Africans on board?"

No one answers

"Ok then – B”.

"Black people, any black people?"

Again, silence.

"C - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"

Silence.

A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. "But Mom, ain't we African?, ain't we Black? Ain't we Coloured?"

"Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas. Let them Mexicans and Muslims go first."

[AJ]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with our whole fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them? “
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"

[Storm]

I was on the train this morning and opposite me was a very sexy Thai bird.


I thought to myself "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection!!"




..But she did!!

[topgun]

Spent $50 on e bay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some b*stard sent me a magnifying glass!!

[MH999]

A man goes to his local doctors surgery and tells his doctor that every time he

looks in the mirror he gets a erection.The doctor replies thats because you

look like a c**t.

[AJ]

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns







Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping

through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic









Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic











Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two

friends?

Sincerely, Anonymous







Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada











Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely, Spiders











Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson











Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just

saying...

Sincerely, Google











Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely, BP









Dear Mary,

Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of

hand.;

Sincerely, Joseph











Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF

happened?!

Sincerely, 1985











Dear Justin Bieber,

Ariel would really love her voice back.

Sincerely, King Triton











Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely, Jack











Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle









Dear Taylor Swift,

If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves

in the end.

Sincerely, Shakespeare











Dear Soccer Fans,

B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

Z Z Z

Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

Sincerely, Vuvuzelas











Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely, God











Dear Rubik's Cube,

Done!

Sincerely, Colorblind











Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

I. Can't. Breathe.

Sincerely, Your Balls











Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream...

What now?

Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio











Dear Sleeping Beauty,

I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and

totally save China for my man.

All you had to do was wake up.

Sincerely, Mulan









Dear Romeo,

My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...

Sincerely, Juliet











Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed







Dear Sex Educators,

Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

Sincerely, The Virgin Mary







Dear Toaster,

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

Sincerely, Toast









Dear Edward,

I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

Sincerely, a stake









Dear Prince Charming,

You've got some explaining to do!

Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty








Dear Santa,

Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.

Sincerely, Tiger Woods

[kazbah]

Dear Noah..... TLDR...

[AJ]

Dear Noah..... TLDR...

Liar! I just saw your facebook update

[Storm]

Guy walks by a pub and see's a notice in the window saying "Pies are a pound and Wanks ten pence!

He says "oh yea" and walks in..

There is a nice blonde busty bair maid behind bar . . and he says

"are you the one that gives the Wanks"?

She says "Yeah"

"Well wash your hands and get us a pie" !