The Joke Thread

[Kustom]

authorised by your mum and some 15 year olds

[Supplanter]

No, we just need to build a big fence along the east coast of Australia, that will stop most of them.

[brad_gpx]

No, we just need to build a big fence along the east coast of Australia, that will stop most of them.

You are so selfish man. Think of all the police that you would be making redundant by doing that

[Storm]

My hamster died today


He fell asleep at the wheel

[SchumieFan]

LOL

[Storm]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said "Is this your wife sir?"

Shocked, i said "Yes".

They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident".

I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality".

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Wife says to her husband "Do you like my new stockings, they're fishnets".

Husband says "Reel 'em in love, smells like you've caught something!"

-------------------------------------------------

I said to my wife "When i die, i'm going to leave everything to you".

She said "You do anyway you lazy ****!"

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Steven Hawkin came back from his first date in 10 years.

His glasses were smashed, broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.


Boy in the bath with his mum, and he says to her "Mum, whats that hairy thing there?"

She says "Oh, thats my sponge".

The boy says "oh yes, the babysitters got one, i've seen her washing dads face with it".

[SchumieFan]

Steven Hawkin came back from his first date in 10 years.

His glasses were smashed, broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

[Supplanter]

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

[Bennoz]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's not a bad root and really good with the kids.'

[Storm]

My wife has developed the big C

Thankfully she still has a tight arse so it's not all sloppy

[topgun]

A woman meets a man in a bar and goes back to his place. During the evening she notices 3 rows of teddy bears in his bedroom.

Bottom shelf has small bears, middle shelf has bigger bears and large bears on the top.

The woman thinks he must be sensitive and could be the one, so she f*ucks him, sucks him and takes him up the ar*e.

The next morning she says to the bloke 'how was that?'

Bloke replies ' not f*cking bad at all, help yourself to any prize off the middle shelf!!'

[I8A4RE]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't
wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed some of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

[koolio1234]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't
wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed some of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

[topgun]

Superb!

[topgun]

2 nuns are waiting in their car at the traffic lights when a car of young lads pulls up next to them. 'Oi get your tits out penguin' shouts one of them. Sister Nancy turns to Sister Clare and says 'I dont think they know who we are, just show them your cross' So Sister Clare leans out of the window and shouts 'f**k off you little c**ts before I give you a slap!'

[topgun]

I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!

[topgun]

Paddy was given the job of painting white lines down the middle of the road. On his first day he painted 8 miles, on his second day he painted 3 miles and on his third day he painted just 1 mile. The boss was not pleased. He asked him "Why is it that you are painting less each day?" Paddy replied "Because I am getting further away from the tin of paint every day!!"

[Storm]

A gynaecologisthad become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.


When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"


"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career!".

[Kustom]

I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!

[I8A4RE]

A gynaecologisthad become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.


When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"


"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career!".

bahahahha