A man came home one day to find his wife sleeping naked on their bed surrounded by rose petals.
He ran out onto the balcony and noticed some fingers holding onto the edge.
So he stomped on the fingers and the man hanging off fell 7 stories but somehow managed to survive the fall.
So the husband ran back into his house, and lifted the fridge up and tossed it over the edge.
As he tossed the fridge over he had a heart attack and died.
The husband went to heaven and meet 2 other men.
He asked them how they had died.
The first man replied "I was cleaning windows on the 10th floor of a building when I lost my balance and fell. Luckily I grabbed onto a balcony below me, but some lunatic stepped on my fingers. I survived the fall but then the pscycho dropped a fridge on me!"
The second man says "I was hiding in the fridge".
The Joke Thread
Moderators: IMC, Club Staff
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sublime19
- Sooty!
- Posts: 5036
- jedwabna poszewka promocja
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- Location: Sydney
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sublime19
- Sooty!
- Posts: 5036
- Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
BOREP - You forgot 2 very important ones:
What do you do when your washing machine breaks down?
Kick her and tell her to get up.
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
NOTHING! Cos you already told her twice.
What do you do when your washing machine breaks down?
Kick her and tell her to get up.
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
NOTHING! Cos you already told her twice.
I have to work - People on the dole depend on me.
Bennoz wrote:Meet Subby. The class leader & originator of post whoring... Although most of Subbys posts have 'content'
Bennoz wrote:They especially hate bonnets, they frisbee across the road & behead a pedestrian.
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Bennoz
- National President
- Posts: 23676
- Joined: Fri Jan 21, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
The surgeon told a patient about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
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SchumieFan
- Oldtimer
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- Location: GPS signal lost
- Contact:
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
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SILVERFISH
- VIC Coordinator
- Posts: 1384
- Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2006 6:00 pm
- Location: Berwick, Melbourne
- Contact:
Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.
The first bloke says to the second bloke,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".
The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?
The second bloke says, "Well, she is 22 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall,
with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is
wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like?"
The first bloke says, "Who gives a f*ck, let's look for yours."
The first bloke says to the second bloke,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".
The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?
The second bloke says, "Well, she is 22 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall,
with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is
wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like?"
The first bloke says, "Who gives a f*ck, let's look for yours."
.
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SILVERFISH
- VIC Coordinator
- Posts: 1384
- Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2006 6:00 pm
- Location: Berwick, Melbourne
- Contact:
There's always 2 sides to every story...
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a
drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it
might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but
he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we would go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this
restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny, tried to cheer him up
and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him,
and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway,in the car on the
way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm
around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he
didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave
me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and
sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over
between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after
about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my
advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so
afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to
sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a
disaster .. .. .. .. ..
His side of the story:
Australia lost the cricket. Got a root though.
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a
drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it
might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but
he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we would go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this
restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny, tried to cheer him up
and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him,
and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway,in the car on the
way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm
around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he
didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave
me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and
sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over
between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after
about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my
advances and we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so
afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to
sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a
disaster .. .. .. .. ..
His side of the story:
Australia lost the cricket. Got a root though.
.
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akuma3
- Oldtimer
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- Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2004 6:00 pm
9 Months Later...
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problem.
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FtoSam
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- Contact:
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Supplanter
- Forum Moderator
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- Location: Arizona Bay
- Contact:
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SchumieFan
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 5875
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- Location: GPS signal lost
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Ed_EViL
- Grease Monkey
- Posts: 156
- Joined: Fri Dec 15, 2006 6:00 pm
- Location: South Sydney
Why you should never flirt at parties!
A couple were invited to a swanky family's masked, fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache! She told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good
time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as
it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what
her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband
to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in
the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home; put
the costume away and sat up reading when he came in. She asked what kind of
time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced once. When I got there, I
met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room
and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,
Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life!
A couple were invited to a swanky family's masked, fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache! She told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good
time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as
it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what
her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband
to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in
the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home; put
the costume away and sat up reading when he came in. She asked what kind of
time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced once. When I got there, I
met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room
and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,
Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life!
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akuma3
- Oldtimer
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AJ
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 2991
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.
A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection came over to him and asked “Did you call for me?"
The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"
She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection; it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
“Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.
"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."
"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."
A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection came over to him and asked “Did you call for me?"
The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"
She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection; it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
“Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.
"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."
"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."
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AJ
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 2991
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to put
my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off." he replies.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologises and says he will never do it again. The barmaid,
disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
"I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse
cheeks and lick it off." he replies.
"What???" screams the barmaid, "That's it, you're barred, you dirty, filthy,
perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!"
Once again the bloke apologises, and says he will never, ever do it again.
"Right. I'll give you one last chance," says the barmaid, "now, what do you
want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it
all out of you."
The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting
down watching the telly. "What's up, love?" says the husband.
"There's this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he
wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the
sweat off." she says in a flood of tears.
"What?! He's a dead man!" shouts the husband getting out of his chair.
"Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage
cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off!" screams the wife.
"Right, he's going to need a body bag the bastard!" shouts the husband
rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink
it out of me" she concludes.
When he hears this the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down
in his chair.
"Aren't you going to do something?!!" shouts the wife in hysterics.
"Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of
Guinness..."
my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off." he replies.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologises and says he will never do it again. The barmaid,
disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
"I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse
cheeks and lick it off." he replies.
"What???" screams the barmaid, "That's it, you're barred, you dirty, filthy,
perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!"
Once again the bloke apologises, and says he will never, ever do it again.
"Right. I'll give you one last chance," says the barmaid, "now, what do you
want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it
all out of you."
The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting
down watching the telly. "What's up, love?" says the husband.
"There's this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he
wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the
sweat off." she says in a flood of tears.
"What?! He's a dead man!" shouts the husband getting out of his chair.
"Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage
cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off!" screams the wife.
"Right, he's going to need a body bag the bastard!" shouts the husband
rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink
it out of me" she concludes.
When he hears this the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down
in his chair.
"Aren't you going to do something?!!" shouts the wife in hysterics.
"Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of
Guinness..."