The Joke Thread

[bjk]

Three decades waiting for sex still sounds like a bad deal to me, haha.

[aza013]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.



She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher.
What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't f**k with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!

[Bennoz]

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. Its called Trydixagain.

[Daniel2019]

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. Its called Trydixagain.

[aza013]

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and
pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

[bjk]

I think that went over my head.

All I'm thinking is where the f*ck she'll pull 30k from.

[Taz]

I think that went over my head.

All I'm thinking is where the f*ck she'll pull 30k from.

she has 'crumpled' a car worth 30k...

[Astron_Boy]

I think that went over my head.

All I'm thinking is where the f*ck she'll pull 30k from.

she has 'crumpled' a car worth 30k...

And there goes the joke.
Unless Swarovski is in the sex toys industry now. In which case bjk might be on to something.

[bjk]

See, the only alternative my brain could think of was that cliche about cleaning the garage. But no sane woman would pay their husband that much dough to do that.

[Supplanter]

See, the only alternative my brain could think of was that cliche about cleaning the garage. But no sane woman would pay their husband that much dough to do that.

Location: Adelaide

Nothing to see here, carry on.

[bjk]

See, the only alternative my brain could think of was that cliche about cleaning the garage. But no sane woman would pay their husband that much dough to do that.

Location: Adelaide

Nothing to see here, carry on.

Yeah well, your location is a plant, so look who's talking.

[Supplanter]

Yeah well, your location is a plant, so look who's talking.

Yeah, someone who got the joke

[bjk]

Yeah well, your location is a plant, so look who's talking.

Yeah, someone who got the joke

Dammit I have no comebacks.

[Astron_Boy]

Yeah well, your location is a plant, so look who's talking.

Yeah, someone who got the joke

Dammit I have no comebacks.

EFA

[Bennoz]

My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder...

And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking cock.

[topgun]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel..

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[Astron_Boy]

^ I never tire of reading that.

[aza013]

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:


Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?


Man: Yes.


Lady Interviewer: How much a day?


Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.


Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?


Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.


Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?


Man: 15 years.


Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?


Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?


Man: Correct.


Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?


Man: Do you drink?


Lady Interviewer: No.


Man: So where's your fuckin' Ferrari?

[Astron_Boy]

[Astron_Boy]

I saw a ute with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many gynecologists' there are on the roads.