The Joke Thread

[AJ]

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what in hell d'yis t'ink yeah doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....
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The Irish have solved their fuel problems. They've imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.
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Paddy says to Mick, "Jeez, I'm ready for me holiday ... but this year I'm going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain - and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy - and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca - and again Mary got pregnant."

Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?"

Paddy replies, "Oi think Oi'll take her with me!"
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" ...

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[dawn16]

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

[AJ]

First World Problems.

[SchumieFan]

lol, that domino's one is so me

[aza013]

The Pringles one for me .

[Taz]

I think 95% of them apply to me
Observational humor at its finest


Its funny because its all true

[Storm]

I went into a book shop yesterday and asked for that new self help book for men who have small penises.

The shop assistant checked the computer then said "It don't think it's in yet"

That's the one....

For some reason it doesn't come in hard back....

You used to be able to get it for the computer, it was on a floppy disc...

[Bennoz]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

A guy with Alzheimer's

A guy with Alzheimer's who?

Knock Knock

[AJ]

I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.

[AJ]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor kept using in Surgery,' he answered.

'What did he keep saying,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[SchumieFan]

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."

[AJ]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,












"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Storm]

The Paraplegic Olympics are being held in London this year. In order to help visitors, the organisers have published a 'Help Guide' in the form of a leaflet containing cockney rhyming slang for the disabled......


Bacon Rind = Blind

Canary Wharf = Dwarf

Cardinal Wolsley - Cerebal Palsy

Raspberry Ripple = Cripple

Wasps & Bees = Amputees

Rubber & Plastic = Spastic

Tulips & Roses = Multiple Sclerosis

Diet Pepsi = Epilepsy

Benny & The Jets = Tourettes

[I8A4RE]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

FKn lol

[aza013]

Drunk Driver True story from Australia

Drunk Driving...THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[I8A4RE]

I heard that joke about 10 years ago... I think it's a bit of an urban legend.

[aza013]

It is an old one but I still get a lol out of it.

[koolio1234]

http://www.happyplace.com/9969/products ... placements

[Bennoz]

[Bennoz]

My new abo neighbour popped his head over the fence today and said,
"Hey bro, what's going down?" I said, "The value of my f**king house
you black c**t!"



I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish on the
early hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving.
I said, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn you clock back!"



Recession beater. Wife says to husband, "If you cycle to work, we can
get rid of the second car." He replies, "If you take it up the arse
and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!"



What's the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn't claim
benefits, had his own f**king bike and wanted to go home!



A guy gets a call from the police telling his house was robbed. The
offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A
moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they
fucked my wife after only five cans!"