The Joke Thread

[koolio1234]

Bought my son an iPad & my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone & I got her an iRon. Wife wasn't overjoyed even after i explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function

[AJ]

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

[AJ]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the Bloody thing up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
Avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
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An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

[dawn16]

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink. He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

[Bennoz]

[dawn16]

I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard Meal Deal tonight.
2 small breasts, 2 large thighs & a big red box.

[dawn16]

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 blokes then
dropped the microphone on his foot & said "F*ck me".

What happened next will haunt me forever..

[Bennoz]

My wife was in the bath, so I had a cheeky wank in the bedroom. When I'd finished, I was bursting for a piss, so I went into the bathroom.
"Sorry love," I said, "I'm desperate."
After a few moments, she said, "You've just had a wank, haven't you..."
I said, "How could you tell? Was it my breathing? A guilty look on my face maybe?"
She said, "No. You're pissing sideways into my face."

[bass_twitch]

My wife was in the bath, so I had a cheeky wank in the bedroom. When I'd finished, I was bursting for a piss, so I went into the bathroom.
"Sorry love," I said, "I'm desperate."
After a few moments, she said, "You've just had a wank, haven't you..."
I said, "How could you tell? Was it my breathing? A guilty look on my face maybe?"
She said, "No. You're pissing sideways into my face."

^^^ based on true Bennoz events :p

[Storm]

Dear Vagina,

I am requesting a pay rise due to the following reasons;

1. I do a lot of physical labour.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything that I do.
4. I work weekdays & nights, weekends and holidays.
5. I work in damp, dark and enclosed spaces.
6. My work makes me very prone to diseases.

Regards,
Penis.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Penis,

After long consideration, I am going to decline your request for a pay rise for the following reasons;

1. Your shifts only ever seem to be about 3 minutes long
2. You fall asleep after each shift.
3. You always have to be simulated, you never seem to be self motivated.
4. You are unable to work overtime or double shifts.
5. You work place is always messy at the end of your shift.
6. You have been constantly been seen entering and exiting the work place with two small, suspicious looking bags.

Regards,
Vagina

[dawn16]

The Mis-informed Wife
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started...

[FTOgpx96]

women goes into a pet store and is looking for a parrot
pet store owner says i have 3 50bux 35bux and 15bux
women asks why 15bux for the last parrot
store owner says coz he has a foul mouth that he picked up at his last residence which was a brothel
women says ill take him and teach him some manners

she brings the bird home and hangs him up near the door
bird then says wow this is my lucky day a new brothel and a new madam how are you toots?
women replies excuse me im not a madam and my name is not toots then she walks off in disqust
the 2 daughters walk in the door then the bird says wow this day gets better 2 prostitues
the girl run off to their rooms crying
then the father walks in the door then the parrot says,
hello peter havent seen you in a while, missus not putting out again?

[SchumieFan]

[Storm]

A priest gets a call from the police who have closed down a brothel, asking him if he can take their parrot until a new home can be found for it.

Cop tells him that he knows he has a couple of parrots but this one has a foul mouth.

Dont worry says the priest, my two parrots pray all day so they will be a good influence and teach this bird some good manners.

So the cops brings the parrot around and the priest introduces it to his parrots.

Hello boys, it says, fancy a quicky?

F'ckin hell, says the first one, we can stop now, our prayers have been answered at last!

[bass_twitch]

^ brothel parrot theme?

[FTOgpx96]

yep its called bird sex

[Bennoz]

Phone rings, woman answers, pervert breathes 'Have you got a tight bald c**t?'

Woman replies 'Yeah he's on the couch, who shall I say is calling?'

[Storm]

They forgot to put the "C" on the new tattoo I got for my "Gentleman's area"

Oh well, "lick to enlarge" it will just have to stay

[aza013]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice.

The voice came once more, "FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO you idiot!...this is the Ice-Rink Manager."


************************


Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,... "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years...What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says ... "How soon do you have to know?"



************************


On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"


***************************


One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart!"



**************************


An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over...

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"



*******************************


A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."



***************************


There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him
do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."




****************************

[Bennoz]

LOL