The Joke Thread

[akumi]

1.Sleep with or without clothes on?
when im alone with, with people, without

2.Prefer black or blue pens?
same like films , i like them blue

4.Like to travel?
anywhere totally different, eg sweden

5.Like someone?
i like everyone, some i like them even better, or
deeper

6. Dark/milk/whit choc?
white chocolate

8. Think you're attractive?
do you think godzilla's attractive? if u do, then i
am.

9. Want to get married?
accidentally, yea.......

10. Flip-flops or heels?
army boots....yea GO GO GI JOE

11. Are you a good student?
yea

12. Are you currently in a relationship?
with my right hand

13. Are you involved in sports?
would love to, havent found a partner though that is
interested in the same "sports" as I.

14. Birthplace?
the same place i wanna poke

15. Handbags/ sling bags?
backpack

16.Colored or black-and-white photo?
coloured...sorry micheal jackson, but its not a
good photo if "it's black, its white".

17. Do long distance relationships work?
well, depends. if mine can grow a really long
distance, it would definitely work.

18. Do u have admirers?
i dont know...if there are, please give me a ring
and give me a chance to "admire" u back.

19. Do you believe in God?
yea.

20. Do you believe in love at first sight?
of course. i believe in love at first bite too.
whichever the reason that could get u to be my
sports partner.

21. Do you drink?
yes, but seldom already coz 20% tax increase,
ciggie an extra rm1.10 and petrol increase by
another 4 bux weekly. sob sob)

22. Do you have your own car?
yea

23. Do you have a job?
yea,

25.
Fave thing to do?
lepakking , chatting, drinking

26. Fave breakfast food?
nasi lemak, susu segar dari gf

27. Favorite body part of the opposite
sex?
where else........

28. Best friends?
i ahve lotsa best friends, currently looking
for "breast" friends.

29. How's the weather right now?
great...good perfect air conditioned weather.

30. Hug or kiss?
both and much more.

31. Last person you talked to on the phone?
friend.

32. Last time you showered?
dis afternoon

33. Loud or soft music?
loud

34. McDonalds or Burger King? mcdonalds

35. Night or day? night

36. Number of Pillows?
3

37. Piano or guitar?
guitar

38. Hangout or study?
stupid question..just like asking me wanna fark a
cow or kylie minogue....of course the cow lar...

39. yogurt or milk?
yoghurt

40. FLowers or chocolate?
chocs

[tommy]

how's that a joke :?: lol

[akumi]

Sorry i forgot to put the title of the joke it's

"Another funny n stupid survey on the net answerd by a wiseguy"

[FTO338]

Did You Know...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....................)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[tommy]

lol hows taht a joke !! what happened !!?? this is a joke thread

[Slither]

I had a good laugh

[GPXXX]

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

bwahahahahaha..!!


*breathes*

bahahahahahaha!!!

go son!

[SchumieFan]

QUESTION: What do you call a deer without an eye?
ANSWER: No idear.

QUESTION: What do you call a deer without legs or eyes?
ANSWER: Still no idear

[DZYRME]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"

*********

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.

**********

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

**********
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

**********
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

**********
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

**********
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

**********
Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

**********

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bottum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

**********
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.
" That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

**********
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I
was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

**********
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

**********
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

**********
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before

**********
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

**********

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people
in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

**********

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

**********

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high'

**********

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

*********
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I
have five pen*ses." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

**********
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
nuts & hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

**********

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

**********

Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

[Supplanter]

Oh my god those jokes are sooooo corny...
I love corny

[AJ]

Quality highlights from the Edinburgh festival.


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly


My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly


A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."
Jimmy Carr at the ICC


I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms


My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the ICC


You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening.... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-there-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms


The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the most obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron


I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station.
Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon


Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please" . The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
Arnold Brown at The Stand

[FTOLeo]

Three explorers are taken prisoner by villagers in a remote island.

The chief says to the first explorer, "which punishment do you choose, Death or Teapoha".

the explorer says "i dont want to die so i'll choose teapoha"

Right away the explorer is held down by the villagers and numerous objects are shoved up his ass, eg sticks, stones, fruit etc.

after about an hour the villagers stop and let him go. The man then staggers aways in pain.

The chief then says to the second explorer "which punishment do you choose, Death or Teapoha".

the second explorer doesnt want to die either so he says "I choose teapoha"

the second explorer is held down by the villagers and numerous objects are shoved up his ass, eg sticks, stones, fruit etc.

After about an hour the villagers stop and let him go. The man then staggers aways in pain.

The chief then says to the third explorer "which punishment do you choose, Death or Teapoha".

The third explorer says "I'd rather die than choose teapoha, so i choose death"

The Chief then grins evily and Shouts "DEATH... by Teapoha"

[csvperformance]

What's red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket

[csvperformance]

What's sivler and cant climb trees?

A paperclip

[Boris]

A Wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

[BuCkEt]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man
answered
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"101,237.64."
The manager choked and exclaimed "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"



"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic woud pull it, so I took him
down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his Missus and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's f ' ked, you might as well go fishing."

[Slither]

A Wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

HA ha ha ha ha, GOLD!!!

[FTO338]

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

Hahahaha dam why didn't they use this as an example when I was in Uni, it makes more sense then those bloody "yellowpages" size text book haahahahahaa

[Boris]

Hahahaha dam why didn't they use this as an example when I was in Uni, it makes more sense then those bloody "yellowpages" size text book haahahahahaa

I knew you'd love that one Kev! LOL
Thanks guys! Anyone else got any?

[bexie]

what do u call a man with no arms or no legs?

bob



what goes round and round and *tap tap tap*?

baby in a microwave



whats better than 21 babies in a bucket?

one baby in 21 buckets