FTO AUSTRALIA

I wondered if I removed the shell from a snail if it would be any faster, so I tried it but it seemed to make it more sluggish.

Storm wrote:I wondered if I removed the shell from a snail if it would be any faster, so I tried it but it seemed to make it more sluggish.

High flowed snail ftw!

I went into a pharmacy and asked "Can I have some viagra?" Pharmacist says "I need to see some medical proof first" So I said "Here's a photo of my wife!"

Why do women have a hard time pissing in the morning?
Ever try to pull apart grilled cheese?

What's good on pie but not on pussy?
Crust.

"Meat", "Wife", "Blowjob". Which of these words doesn't belong?
Blowjob because you can beat your meat, you can beat your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

The missus suggested we use some toys in the bedroom to spice things up a bit. She wasnt too impressed the ungrateful bitch, 2 f**king hours it took me to set up that scalextric!

A young girl tells her strict parents thats she is pregnant by an older married man. Dad says "bring him to me, i'll f**king kill him" The man arrives and says "I wont leave my wife but will take care of your daughter and my child. If its a girl they can have a house and $2 million. If its a boy they can have a house, $2 million and inherit my company but I dont know what to do if she miscarries" The father pauses and says "you can f**k her again!!"

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking muslim doll. Nobody knows what the f**k it says because no one has the bollocks to pull the cord...

Storm wrote:The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking muslim doll. Nobody knows what the f**k it says because no one has the bollocks to pull the cord...

I think I'm becoming a bit of a snob, even my orgasms are hand made these days

Female Answer for tech support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV.......... Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
......................................................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and
Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie ..

This should help in turning the Husband application on.

Good Luck,


Tech Support

^^^

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is..
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

What is it with the English and dogging, anyway

Storm wrote:Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

bahahahahaha

Supplanter wrote:What is it with the English and dogging, anyway

Dogging is doing it with strangers but worse than that faux pas - I'm Scottish

Storm wrote:'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

is it just me or is that a little creepy?

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big
guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say
to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:





'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!

A girl comes home from work to find her boyfriend blow drying his willy! 'What are you bloody doing?' she asks. He replies "Warming your dinner you ungrateful cow!!"