The Joke Thread

[Nacho]

*WARNING* Some of these are actually pretty sadistic and can be quite offensive to some. These are some of the funnier ones. Enjoy!

[Supplanter]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?


One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammatical errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

Three to tell a funny story about their show dog and a light bulb.

One to post an ASCII image of the lightbulb.

Two to ask "but does it run Linux ?".

One to make a comment about the upcoming Microsoft Digital Lightbulb Management 2007 SP2 RGE.

Two to suggest that Apple lightbulbs are superior.

Seventy-five to start a massive off-topic Apple vs Microsoft flamewar.

One hundred and seventy-eight to respond at various times saying
"Troll!!"
"OMG WTF TROLL !!!!!!one
LOL" "Don't Feed the Troll!!1", etc...

[J]

[J]

[J]

YEAHHHHHH!

[jonowong]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

[BorepYano]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

an oldie but a goodie lol

[Storm]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.




He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.




She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'

[FTEvolution]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.




He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.




She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'

I tend to skim read and pick up a few lines below where I am reading, fast and accurate...

With jokes I force myself not to so I don't ruin a punchline... you just made me choke on my coffee HAHA, another gold one!!!

[Oliver89]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick .
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. ... Read More
That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great.
I be at work soon.........You got nice house'

[Storm]

Two vertically challanged , ok 2 dwarf's hit the town and get lucky, and take 2 women back to their adjacent rooms in their hotel.

The first dwarf unfortunatly has had a beer or two too many and can't get it up. To compound things he hears his mate in the next room going

"Here I come again one, two, three ugh !"

Here I come again, one two three ugh !"

All night long !

The following morning whilst checking out they enquired how each other had got on, the first one admitted he'd never been so embarressed as he could'nt get an erection - you think that was bad said the second, "I couldn't get on the bed !"

[Bennoz]

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deep throat blow job today.

"Really!?"

"No," she replied, "April Fogarbnsrgabsjg...."

That'll teach her to try to be funny...

[SchumieFan]

what is wok?





its w0t you fwow at wabbit

[Bennoz]

An abo with a seagull on his shoulder walks into the doctor

Doctor says "Where'd you find that?"

Seagull says "Picked him up at the dump"

[Supplanter]

[aza013]

YEAHHHHHH!

hahahaha that's me after one ail
Now you all know why I drink burban

[mr-charisma]

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Storm]

Coloured guy walks into a doctors with a frog on his head.

Doctor says, "What can I do for you?"

Frog replies, "Can you get this blackhead of my arse?"

[Storm]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book without
the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild
and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise…………

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath
and Paddy said....






"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[Storm]

David Beckham gets in a taxi, "Heathrow please driver..."

After a few minutes Becks spots the driver giving him a few looks in the mirror.
This happens continuously until they approach the airport, when the driver says "come on mate, give us a clue?"

Beckham says " I had a great career at Man Utd, Real Madrid, and in America and ive got over 100 England caps"

Driver says " no you thick ****, what terminal"