The Joke Thread

[maggsy]

^^^

[vipfto]

Why wasnt jesus born in Australia?
They coulndnt find three wise men and a virgin


I know im gonna get a sh*t load of sheep jokes from this one

[SILVERFISH]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction
disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to Seattle airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[mouse]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight..'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt
**********************************************************************

[AJ]

Sorry Simon

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species
available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kelvin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Kelvin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with at least some ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Kelvin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Kelvin showed some interest,
but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Kelvin announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:

'First,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'

'Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus.'

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what his third condition was.

'Wull,' said Kelvin, 'You gotta guv me another week to come up with the $500.'

[I8A4RE]

, if it was i sheep i would thought it was a true story

[jonowong]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and
He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,'Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,
I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'




...................keep going..........................


>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>

Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

[Oliver89]

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

[Oliver89]

An 90 year old lady that was shaking a lot and could barely walk using a cane walked into an adult store and asked. Do you guys sell vibrators? The cashier said yes we do, but mam at your age? She said I just want to know how to turn it off it’s been stuck in me for 24 hours…

[Oliver89]

A man and his wife were about to have sex for the first time. However, the man had one problem; he didn’t know how to have sex. So he asked his father for help. His father agreed to help his son, via telephone, when his son and wife were about to have sex for the first time. Later in the evening, the man and wife were in the bedroom, and the man called his father.

His father said
"Ok, son, take off your clothes", and the son took off his clothes.
Then the son asked "Ok, done. Now what do I do?"
"Take off her clothes".
And the son took off his wife’s clothes.
the father asked, "now, get on the bed, and look at yourself, do you see what we have, but your wife doesn’t have?"
"yes" the son replies.
"good. now look at your wife closely, and do you see what she has but we don’t have?"
"yes" the son replies again.
relieved, the father asked his son "ok great. now all you have to do is to insert that which we have but she doesn’t have, into that which she has but we don’t have."
"ok I got it. Thanks Dad!"

the son !@#$ed her with the telephone.

-end.

[Oliver89]

My girlfriend was giving me a great blowjob last night.
Wait a minute she said,you’re married aren’t you.
Yes,I replied.
Well why doesn’t your wife give you oral sex.
Don’t be stupid,that’s the mouth that kisses me goodnight.

[AMACHA]

A woman walks in on her husband blowdrying with a blowdryer his groin and penis area and the woman goes: "what the hell are you doing that for".
The guy replies "im hearting up your dinner".

[Oliver89]

Yo momma is so FAT she doesn’t even fit in this joke!!!

[Oliver89]

your sooooo fat that u need poster paper to wipe your ass!!

[Tippin]

your sooooo fat that you need poster paper to wipe your ass!!

il add a few more ...

your mummas so dumb she brang a spoon to the superbowl
your mummas so greasy she got a job at the cinemas buttering popcorn with her leg hair
your mummas pussy is so hairy, when your brother was born he died of rugburn
your mummas so smelly, the only diss im gonna giv her is disinfectant
your mummas like a gun, two cocks and shes loaded

[Tippin]

Condom Slogans

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

[Tippin]

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

[jonowong]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.’

[Supplanter]

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were at a religious retreat, and on a very hot day they decided to go swimming. None had a swimsuit so they had to go skinny dipping. No biggie, and they were enjoying themselves in the lake when they heard some voices approaching through the woods. In a panic, they dashed out of the water and ran into cover in the forest. As they ran, the the priest and the minister covered their genitals with their hands, while the rabbi covered his face. Once they reached cover and started putting their clothes on, the priest and the minister gave into their confusion and asked the rabbi why he'd covered his face instead of his nudity.

"I don't know about you guys, but it's my face that my congregation will recognize." he said.

[SILVERFISH]

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then
discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.