The Joke Thread

[Bennoz]

Without hesitation a guy drives into a disabled parking spot

A parking cop walks directly up to him & says "You cant park here, this is for disabled people only!"

Guy replies "I've got tourettes you c*nt, f*ck off!!"

[SILVERFISH]

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window.
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' He says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs sh*t middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt',
he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
'Can I help you sir?' he says.
'Yes you can, you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to
agree to an audition.
The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called Excuse me Prime Minister but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the
c*nt's blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err,can you play me another, something a little less lively'
'W*nker.' Interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears.
The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box, you get cr*p on your bell end.'
'I see' Says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece, or there's the epic I don't care if you're older my
dear, you've still got nice jugs.'
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist, but the title of your songs are a little racy. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs, or speak to the audience.'
'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as
modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress, with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking h*rd-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck, he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says.
'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
'I f*cking wrote it!!!'

[I8A4RE]

jim is driving along the road with his mates for the first time. as he approaches a busy intersection the lights turn red instead of stopping, he puts his foot down on the accelarator and ploughs through the intersection. his mates are somewhat startled but say nothing. then again same thing lights turn red and he drives straight through the intersection. finally as they approach a red light jim starts to speed up but before he arrives at the lights, it turns green and jim slams on the brakes. Really confused one of his mates says "what u doin jim its green u can go".
Jim replies "f**k OFF, my brother could be coming through the other way".

[Oliver89]

haha all you people are funny...

sex jokes , love jokes , Dirty jokes...BUT most of all LIFE'S A JOKE! lol

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

[Oliver89]

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

[Oliver89]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Oliver89]

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."

He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"

"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life.
First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine.
Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."

[sublime19]

Without hesitation a guy drives into a disabled parking spot

A parking cop walks directly up to him & says "You cant park here, this is for disabled people only!"

Guy replies "I've got tourettes you c*nt, f*ck off!!"

LMFAO!!!!!!!!

[willtech]

Smart ass answers :

A truck driver was negotiating a windy stretch of road when a sign comes up in front of him saying ' caution low bridge ahead '
before he knew it the bridge was right in front of him, so he slammed on his brakes but unfortunately gets stuck underneath the bridge
theres cars backed up for kilometers and finally the police arrive,
the officer steps out of his car and walks up to the truck window, places his hands on his hips, looks at the truck driver and says ' got stuck eh'
the truck driver responded "well no, i was just delivering this bridge and ran out of fuel"



more smart ass answers to follow

[Sparhawk]

Ahhhh thats GOLD.

[FtoSam]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now, The Man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

[FtoSam]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked
the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about
$50?"



The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said
to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around
the house?"



He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied,
"You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde'
jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats".
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.



"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's an FTO".


Hahaha.. originally said lexus btw

[FtoSam]

>A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
>parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
>
>The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
>stories.
>
>Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
>One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front
>seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got
>broken. "What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
>"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
>
>"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. Michael, do you have a
>story to share?" asked the teacher.
>
>"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
>was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
>She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle
>of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way
>down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of
>100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until
>She ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete
>until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare
>hands."
>
>"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did
>your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
>
>"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

[FtoSam]

Priest and a Nunwere taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The Priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and muttered, "sh*t, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "sh*t, I missed."


"Father, I'm not going to continue golfing with you if you keep swearing," the Nun said tartly.

The Priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again, with his usual comment following.

Sister's really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "sh*t, I missed."


A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.


And from the sky comes a booming voice....


"sh*t, I missed."

[FtoSam]

> > At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly
> > lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to
> > fish.
> >
> > Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together
> > the next day!
> >
> > The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to
> > his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
> >
> > They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river,
> > and the gentleman asked the lady,
> >
> > "Do you want to go up or down?"
> >
> > All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made
> > mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
> >
> > When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened,
> > but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
> >
> > They fished for awhile and continued on down the river, when soon
> > they came upon another fork in the river.
> >
> > He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
> >
> > There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild
> > passionate love to him again.
> >
> > This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go
> > fishing again the next day!
> >
> > She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat
> > when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman
> > asked, "Up or down?"
> >
> > The woman replied, "Down."
> >
> > A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat
> > down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he
> > asked the lady, "Up or down?"
> >
> > She replied, "Up."
> >
> > This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
> >
> > "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted
> > to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today,
> > nothing!"
> >
> > She replied, "Well, yesterday, I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I
> > thought the choices were f**k or drown.

[FtoSam]

> Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
> immediately turns to her and makes his move.
>
> "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
> strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
>
> The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
> the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
>
> "Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
>
> "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
> ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
> stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns
> out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do
> you suppose that is?"
>
> The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
> idea."
>
> "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
> discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

[FtoSam]

Well thats all i got for now.

[FtoSam]

WAIT! one more joke.... Hyundais.... bahahahahahaha

[BorepYano]

WAIT! one more joke.... Hyundais.... bahahahahahaha

lol

[BorepYano]

Q: what do u call a smart blonde?
A: a golden retriever.

Q: what do u call a blonde with more than one brain cell?
A: pregnant.

Q: what do u call a blonde sitting up a tree?
A: branch manager.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Buy her another beer.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air Pockets

Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.

Q: Why did the blonde have square tits?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
A: An IN-body experience!

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Now to offend even more ppl:

Q: Why do women get married in white?
A: to match the rest of the kitchen appliances.

Q: why did the woman cross the road?
A: who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen?

Q: What do you do when your gf/wife sits down to watch sports on tv with you?
A: take her back to the kitchen and shortern the chain.

Q: why do women have small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

and now... RUN AWAY... lol