The Joke Thread

[sunraider]

http://www.kickassaustralia.com.au/?str ... MStopPress

Guys this is mad!

[Sparhawk]

BWAHAHAHA

Funny stuff

[Sparhawk]

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Mylanta

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My wife is dead.

AGE FAVOURITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 channel surfing
66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 a winning goal after the siren
25 sex in an aeroplane
35 menage a trois
48 taking over the company
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the cheque before we go back to my place
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.


THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack Daniels with a Napkin chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Stefan colour my hair
66 Need to have Stefan colour my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "McDonalds"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

[Sparhawk]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

[Sparhawk]

A frog went to get a loan at a bank.

The loan officer's name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.

He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marble and said "this is what I have for colateral".

She took it to the bank president and said "there's a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marble)".

She said "do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan"? The bank president said "why, that's a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan".

[Sparhawk]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Sparhawk]

[AJ]

GOD BLESS AMERICA

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

[Bennoz]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out
with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[AJ]

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

[AJ]

HOW TO KEEP A FLAT TUMMY

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

[AJ]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly,! instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at Johns Hopkins Hospital

[AJ]

A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results......
Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news.
One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."

[AJ]

You guys will like this one:



I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so

much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I

have never figured out why men think with their head and women with

their heart.



FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting

into bed.



Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't

feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"



So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to

hear...



"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for

me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled

look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do

for you in the bedroom?"



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to

sleep.



The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time

with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,

big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried

on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which

one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes

to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each

outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair

of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was

so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.



I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis

bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw

her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."



She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier."



I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't

feel like it."



Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

WHAT?"



I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me

to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this

look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me

for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"



Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least the woman

knows I'm smarter than her.

[AJ]

An aboriginal walks into the local Centrelink office in Broome, marches straight up to the counter and mumbles, "'ey, you falla.... I don't wanna be on dole. I wanna job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $60,000 a year."

The aboriginal bloke says, "You're bullshitting me!" The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah well, you started it."

[sublime19]

An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in a
> small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious
> building after an all night drinking binge.
>
> The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the
> typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip
to
> the back. But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted
> them two wishes each -but they were not allowed to reduce the number
of
> lashes or the type of punishment.
>
> The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I
want
> the pleasure of a beer and a pillow." The Sultan grants his wishes.
With
> a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his
> naked back.
>
> But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully
> endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his
back.
>
> The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before
> smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan
> thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it
given
> he has used up his two wishes in one go.
>
> However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and
> the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave
> deep welt marks on his back.
>
> The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under
> his breath about a bullshit penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double
the
> number of lashes to 40."
>
> There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and Sultan
are
> a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong
> fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in
Germany
> 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration
> -obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.
>
> The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish. "Tie the Italian to my
> back" he replies.

[kid_dynamite]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[Raven]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Raven]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
> stopped at was the breeding bulls.
>
> They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
> "This bull mated 50 times last year."
>
> The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50
> times last year."
>
>  They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
> "This bull mated 120 times last year. "
>  The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than
> twice  a week! You could learn a lot from him."
>  They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
> capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
>
>  The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
> said,  "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
> one."
>
>  The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with
> the same cow."
>  NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable
> and he should eventually make a full recovery.

[I8A4RE]

Ok this is no joke. this actually happened and its why i love australia

Driving down the road as i always do and there is a small detour because of some road works. I approach the next intersection and am not sure which way to go because i have neva been this way before and thought there should be a sign or a man or something. As i slowly approach, there is one of those smoko vans that cruise around selling food and stuff in the middle of the intersection and the weird thing was there were those bright orange witches hats all around her van. by this stage there are cars comming from all angles and then suddenly this council guy (the 1 whos suppose to be giving directions to evry1) pops his head around from the van waves me and 3 other cars through before proceeding back to buying his breakfast totally unaware that he is getting paid to be helping us. So i pull over just to see what happens and sure enough he buys his pie and chocie milk and then removes all the cones so she can drive off. totally hilarious