FTO AUSTRALIA

AUSTRALIA POST

There was this fellow who worked for Australia Post whose job it was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read,

old lady wrote:"DearGod,
I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,

old lady wrote: "Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I think it was those thieving bastards at Australia Post."

we all know who the true hero was...

Lolz.. that was FUNNY S1LVERFISH!!

Here's sumthin y'all gonna love. Try not to spend all day on it

http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf

A little boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog behind him. He slaps a hundred dollars on the counter and says, Gimmie a whore with herpes. The woman behind the counter siad she couldn't possibly give him a whore with herpes. So the little boy slapped two hundred more dollars on the table and insister, Gimmie a whore with herpes. The woman sighed and said, go up the stairs and down the hall, third door on the left. The little boy did, he came back down ten minutes later and starts to leave but the woman stops him. Can I ask you a question? she asked. The little boy nodded. Why did you want a whore with herpes? she asked. Well, the little boy explained, I have herpes now, I'll give it to the baby sitter, she'll giver it to my dad, my dad will give it to my mum, my mum will give it to the neighbor, who will give it to his wife, she'll give it to the mailman, and he's the asshole who ran over my frog!

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.


A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "One nil."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Goal - 1-1".

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Penalty- 2-1."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty - 2-2."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,"Free Kick - Goal, 3-2."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail.
Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed.

The wife says, What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, change sides"


A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

The wife looks at the mounting household bills and says to the husband "We're going to have to tighten our belts. You're going to have to stop buying a carton of beer every week. We need the $40 more than you need the beer."

The husband reluctantly agrees.

Next week the wife arrives home from shopping and the husband is surprised to see she has spent $40 on make-up. He says "I thought we were supposed to be cutting back. I've stopped buying beer and here you are spending $40 on make-up!"

She says "But yes darling, the make-up is for you. It's so I can look pretty for you."

He says, "Hell, what do you think the beer was for??"

Aussie safety boots...

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"








......wait for it......










"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."



Just thought I'd take the opportunity to say 'Hi' from NZ.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name Of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently
announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,
and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

Whats red and white and sits in a tree??























A sanitary owl..

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband" You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead......I just can't take that chance."


Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, Who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,
"At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper

Headline read:
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...


Go to the link, type your name in the box and it converts your name into
Russian

http://www.callme.nm.ru

AJ wrote: Go to the link, type your name in the box and it converts your name into
Russian

http://www.callme.nm.ru

U bastard!

SchumieFan wrote:U bastard!

HA-HA! Classic!

SchumieFan wrote:

AJ wrote: Go to the link, type your name in the box and it converts your name into
Russian

http://www.callme.nm.ru

U bastard!

Is it a good thing that this link doesn't work for me?

Probably.

I dont know whats worse... That site, or the fact you knew it existed AJ...

Sparhawk wrote:I dont know whats worse... That site, or the fact you knew it existed AJ...

Hey hey, I fell for it too the first time

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake,
happened to end up in a man's head.


She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.


" Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at
the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"


Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............




"We're down here ..."