The Joke Thread

[akuma3]

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-a@# student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

[Bennoz]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "f**k off, you won't bring it back".

[akuma3]

You're in big trouble

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

[akumi]

Here's what Chuck Norris thinks about the Chuck Norris jokes that you guys been posting

http://www.wimp.com/chuck/

[Tbone]

how's that a joke :?: lol

Thats the funniest thing on this post!! LOL!

[AJ]

PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS

A recent magazine survey interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered?

Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
If Women Drink ...

Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Water
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.

Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in.

Cape Velvet
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Champagne, Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......


IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer
He’s poor & unsophisticated or a student and wants to get laid.
Castle Lager Beer
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid
Wine
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky Scotch / Irish / Bourbon
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels / Bourbon
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Rum or Tequila
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc
He’s *~delightful!~* (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.

[AJ]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be
the Man of Your House."

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the
kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to run me my bath so
I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my
robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done,
guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f**king Funeral Director would be my guess."

[akuma3]

~The businessman and the fisherman~

A management consultant, on holiday in a African fishing village, watched a little fishing boat dock at the quayside. Noting the quality of the fish, the consultant asked the fisherman how long it had taken to catch them.

"Not very long." answered the fisherman.

"Then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the consultant.

The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The consultant asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, have an afternoon's rest under a coconut tree. In the evenings, I go into the community hall to see my friends, have a few beers, play the drums, and sing a few songs..... I have a full and happy life." replied the fisherman.

The consultant ventured, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you...... You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have a large fleet. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to a city here or maybe even in the United Kingdom, from where you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the fisherman.

"Oh, ten, maybe twenty years." replied the consultant.

"And after that?" asked the fisherman.

"After that? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the consultant, laughing, "When your business gets really big, you can start selling shares in your company and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" pressed the fisherman.

"After that you'll be able to retire, move out to a small village by the sea, sleep in late every day, spend time with your family, go fishing, take afternoon naps under a coconut tree, and spend relaxing evenings havings drinks with friends..."

[AJ]

While watching the Cricket the other night my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Some days I hate being married to a smart bitch.

[AJ]

[AJ]

[AJ]

Cool Pool! Dr.Jones would love this one.

[sunraider]

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm

If he gets stuck - just pick him up and move him with your cursor.

[Supplanter]

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm

If he gets stuck - just pick him up and move him with your cursor.

I am enjoying this a little more than I should.

[SchumieFan]

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm

If he gets stuck - just pick him up and move him with your cursor.

true gold!

[sunraider]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position...
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[sunraider]

yeehaa.. this is mad!

http://paintball.about.com/gi/dynamic/o ... all_2.html

its addictive.

[SchumieFan]

Why do abbos work on rubbish trucks?

to beat the seagulls to the tip

[Bennoz]

Hahahaha


Scientists have recently crossed a nigger with an octopus.... Its not much to look at, but f**k it can pick cotton

[SchumieFan]