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The Joke Thread
Moderators: IMC, Club Staff
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AJ
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 2991
- jedwabna poszewka promocja
- Joined: Tue Nov 18, 2003 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
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Bennoz
- National President
- Posts: 23676
- Joined: Fri Jan 21, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
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Bennoz
- National President
- Posts: 23676
- Joined: Fri Jan 21, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
Yes sir 
A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy,and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"
she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe, and in return, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "this is the Manly Ferry. "
A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy,and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"
she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe, and in return, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "this is the Manly Ferry. "
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kazbah
- National Secretary
- Posts: 2475
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 5:00 pm
- Location: Stiff Clutch...
- Contact:
The Catholic Parrots.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know
how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
Male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring
your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
Parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know
how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
Male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring
your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
Parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
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SchumieFan
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 5875
- Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2004 5:00 pm
- Location: GPS signal lost
- Contact:
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."
"She'll read it very slowly."
===============================================
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna" again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."
===============================================
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
==============================================
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."
"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."
They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."
She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?" "Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.
"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks. "I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."
===============================================
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her "What happened?"
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."
"She'll read it very slowly."
===============================================
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna" again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."
===============================================
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
==============================================
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."
"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."
They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."
She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get that black eye?" "Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.
"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks. "I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."
===============================================
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her "What happened?"
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."
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kazbah
- National Secretary
- Posts: 2475
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 5:00 pm
- Location: Stiff Clutch...
- Contact:
A blonde walked into a hair salon and requested a hair cut.
"No problems" said the hairdresser, "Take a seat"
The blonde sat down and the hairdresser noticed she was wearing headphones.
"You'll have to remove the headphones if you want me to cut your hair" said the slighty bemused hairdresser.
"Oh I can never do that, they must stay on all the time" replied the blonde.
Thinking it was a bit strange the hairdresser nonetheless commenced cutting the blondes hair around the headphones.
During the course of the haircut the blonde fell asleep. "Now's my chance" thought the hairdresser and removed the blondes headphones. The blonde promptly fell off the chair dead. The distressed hairdresser quickly picked up the headphones and listened .... and this is what he heard
"Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."
"No problems" said the hairdresser, "Take a seat"
The blonde sat down and the hairdresser noticed she was wearing headphones.
"You'll have to remove the headphones if you want me to cut your hair" said the slighty bemused hairdresser.
"Oh I can never do that, they must stay on all the time" replied the blonde.
Thinking it was a bit strange the hairdresser nonetheless commenced cutting the blondes hair around the headphones.
During the course of the haircut the blonde fell asleep. "Now's my chance" thought the hairdresser and removed the blondes headphones. The blonde promptly fell off the chair dead. The distressed hairdresser quickly picked up the headphones and listened .... and this is what he heard
"Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."
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ahew
- Grease Monkey
- Posts: 258
- Joined: Wed May 07, 2003 5:00 pm
- Location: Strathfield, NSW
hehehe.. i thought i would celebrate my 200th post by simultaneously annoying akuma3 and posting up a Chuck Norris extravaganza:
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly
after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "f .. king."
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f .. k down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
allows to live.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
lactose's s .. t.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly
after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "f .. king."
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f .. k down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
allows to live.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
lactose's s .. t.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
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SchumieFan
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 5875
- Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2004 5:00 pm
- Location: GPS signal lost
- Contact:
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akuma3
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 1217
- Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2004 6:00 pm
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
==============================================
A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."
The cashier leaned over the counter and said:
"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
==============================================
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
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SchumieFan
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 5875
- Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2004 5:00 pm
- Location: GPS signal lost
- Contact:
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try" she said, "but only if you'll promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"
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Why Men Are Happier Than Women!
1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes
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A Coromandel Redneck is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a
problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck under my truck. He's
still wriggling around. What should I do?''
The boss radioed back: "Use the shotgun in the back of your truck.
Shoot the pig in the head, and when it stops wriggling, pull it out and
throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios
back. "Boss I did jest what you said; I shot the pig and dragged it out
and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"Well the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing..."
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chinese proverbs
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
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How to make a woman happy
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY?
1. Feed him
2. f**k him
3. Shut the f**k up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Exam....
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking
chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four
friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals,
they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final
they would explain to their professor why they missed it.
They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a
flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed
they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the
exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them
a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5
points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms,
thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.
On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire?
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unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try" she said, "but only if you'll promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"
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Why Men Are Happier Than Women!
1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes
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A Coromandel Redneck is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a
problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck under my truck. He's
still wriggling around. What should I do?''
The boss radioed back: "Use the shotgun in the back of your truck.
Shoot the pig in the head, and when it stops wriggling, pull it out and
throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios
back. "Boss I did jest what you said; I shot the pig and dragged it out
and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"Well the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing..."
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chinese proverbs
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget
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How to make a woman happy
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY?
1. Feed him
2. f**k him
3. Shut the f**k up.
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The Exam....
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking
chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four
friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals,
they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday
morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final
they would explain to their professor why they missed it.
They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a
flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed
they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the
exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them
a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5
points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms,
thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.
On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
kazbah
- National Secretary
- Posts: 2475
- Joined: Sat Apr 26, 2003 5:00 pm
- Location: Stiff Clutch...
- Contact:
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Bennoz
- National President
- Posts: 23676
- Joined: Fri Jan 21, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: Sydney
- Contact:
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NorthQLDFTO
- Grease Monkey
- Posts: 252
- Joined: Sat Jan 29, 2005 6:00 pm
- Location: Townsville, North Queensland
A Cruise Ship sinks while in the the middle of a Pacific cruise... Only 3 people of the hundreds on board survive, John, Bob & Anne... All washing up on the shore of an unchartered island...
After several months of life on the island nature takes it's course & the 3 begin to do what comes naturally...
But, after a few weeks of this Anne feels incredibly guilty about sleeping with these two men while her husband back home is mourning her death so she kills herself...
Of course John & Bob are distraught at this... But after a few weeks they get over their loss and once again nature takes over...
It's only a few months though until John & Bob begin to feel guilty about what they're doing...
So they bury Anne...
After several months of life on the island nature takes it's course & the 3 begin to do what comes naturally...
But, after a few weeks of this Anne feels incredibly guilty about sleeping with these two men while her husband back home is mourning her death so she kills herself...
Of course John & Bob are distraught at this... But after a few weeks they get over their loss and once again nature takes over...
It's only a few months though until John & Bob begin to feel guilty about what they're doing...
So they bury Anne...
If I Had A Dollar For Every Time Someone Said "If I Had A Dollar For Every Time Someone Said <...>" Well... Then... I'd... Have A Dollar For Every Time Somone Said "If I Had A Dollar For Every Time Someone Said <...>"!!!
-
akuma3
- Oldtimer
- Posts: 1217
- Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2004 6:00 pm
A koala is sitting on a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala: "Hey! what are you doing?"
The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and
is going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into
the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter
with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is
sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and yells out:
"Hey you!" The koala looks down and says ... "Faaaaarrrrk dude ... how
much water did you drink?!"
The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and
is going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into
the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter
with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is
sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and yells out:
"Hey you!" The koala looks down and says ... "Faaaaarrrrk dude ... how
much water did you drink?!"
The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problem.
[img]http://www.speedtest.net/result/79682123.png[/img]
[img]http://www.speedtest.net/result/79682123.png[/img]